New year

The previous year was overwhelming, but I learned more than I could ever imagine. Each day I felt I was wrestling in between the beginnings and endings of different chapters of my life; the chapter where I found home in a foreign place, the chapter where I was terrified of starting my life all over again, the chapter where grief treaded in my soul for losing a friend, and the chapter where hope encouraged me to continue.
I didn’t know I would get this far – to watch the sky changed in different iridescent hues as I travelled through continents. I didn’t know I would meet people with tender hearts who showered me with wisdom and love and taught me of happiness and healing. I didn’t know pain would cost more if love were more. Never would have I imagined that some darkest days would lead to my brightest tomorrow. Though, I might have dipped into mournful mornings to get through those days, I also laughed and lived to thrive. I visited new places, walked on unfamiliar land and rediscovered myself. I listened to music that soothe the wounds in my chest. I read books that embraced me and comforted me when I felt lonely. I talked to God, who listened to me wherever and whenever I needed Him.
The previous year was overwhelming where I loved and gained more than I could imagine. Each moment felt nostalgic as memories faded into a new year. . .

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I can’t sleep. My heart feels like it has been torn apart, bleeding and wounded. I think part of this is the thought of losing a friend, a family and mostly the idea of letting go of someone who feels like home.

I wish there is a lesser painful way of getting a heart broken but we can never know the depth of the pain until we face it. For me, it keeps me in the middle of the night writing my heart out, so I can breathe; trying to think through the process of healing and how I can still find God in all of this.

What do I need to do to ease what I feel?

The idea of leaving terrifies me but at the same time convinces me that this will protect my heart; protect myself from getting involved in a lot of things and protect my testimony. However, I also know there is no other way to completely protect our hearts. It still takes bravery to leave but also cowardice in a sense that it feels like I will be running away.

So, what if I stay? what if this whole story leads me to all of the answers I have never thought will come? What if the answers are the lessons I have been avoiding to learn? What if the sequence of the events points me to my purpose?

Shouldn’t I be grateful for the pain? Shouldn’t I be grateful for the testing of faith? Shouldn’t I be grateful for all the broken roads?

For now, I will hold my heart with tenderness, then maybe I will be ready to welcome change and my heart will be whole again.

I will give them a heart to know that I am the Lord, and they shall be my people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭24‬:‭7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I’m slowly learning that if it’s meant for me, it will happen. I don’t have to wait around. I don’t even have to hurry to get to the other side and figure things out. I don’t have to worry about tomorrow if things won’t turn out the way I wanted. Let all things fall to where they should be and let all the spaces in my heart be filled with promises; God will take care of me.

Sometimes it takes all the courage left in your heart to finally move on. You needed to forgive yourself for allowing the other person to hurt you and for letting you think you are never enough, because you are always enough.

Remember, we were made of souls bound for eternity and if this world we live in does not see your worth, one day, clothe in righteousness and love, you will be honoured and crowned for you have remained obedient in the Lord. You loved selflessly and endured righteously.

May these words resonate in your heart and give you peace.

It’s time to come away. . .

When it’s late at night and the intrusive thoughts won’t go away, I make lists. I write letters. I have a whole stack of them buried underneath random trinkets and memories. You’ll never read them. Those nights when the intrusive thoughts seem to win, I write it all down. The things I want to say to you, the many ways you changed me, changed the way I see the world. The perspectives I probably never would have gotten familiar with; that not all plans should be written in permanent ink, that some things should be held openly and that if it’s not you, then the love story does not belong to me. There are many more ways, and I wouldn’t be the same if you had never come into my life.

I will be forever grateful for the way you changed me. . .

I watch the vastness of the sky,
Painted in pink velvet clouds,
The sun sets sillhouetting the resting trees
Preparing to dance in night’s cold breeze,
How undeserving am I to see
The glory of creation,
How grateful my heart is
to have a glimpse of heaven
That reflects God’s unending grace. . .

I have finally found my answer and it requires me to deny myself and all the earthly desires I have in my heart. Sometimes following God is very unconventional and human as I am I doubt of His goodness.

But, I have resolved to trust in the goodness of God. I know God is good not only when he grants my prayers but when He teaches me lessons and walks with me in confusing times.

Although, I could still not reconcile my feelings with His answers, I will still trust Him knowing He holds my heart safely that it will never be left broken. In Him, my soul is well.