My Sins

My heart is breaking
. . . When I reflect on what I have become
. . . When I celebrate pride instead of humility
. . . When I curb in my comforts instead of extending my limits
. . . When I enjoy solitude rather than building relationships
. . . When I compare rather than encourage one another
. . . When my dreams become practical rather than extraordinary
. . . When I nurture brokenness rather than rejoice in the light
. . . When hate becomes apathy rather than forgiveness
. . . When trials look like punishments instead of lessons
. . . When faith becomes an emotion rather than truth
. . . When victories become pride rather than testimonies
. . . When a blessing feels like my good works rather than grace
. . . When sin becomes usual and obedience becomes hard
. . . When kindness becomes subjective rather objective
. . . When love becomes expensive instead of free
. . . When cross becomes symbols instead of redemption
. . . When redemption becomes a history rather than the gospel
. . . When Christ becomes an option instead a whole part of my existence.

My heart is cruel even evil and apart from Jesus I am nothing but a filthy rag.

Isaiah 64:6 KJV

[6] But we are all as an unclean thing , and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.

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Missing Home

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I am missing home.

I remember white morning glories on the alley of a convenient store. Flowers bloom as the sunshine strike at 7 am.

I remember walking home on a warm summer afternoon. Looking at a purple sky and a peaceful sunset.

I remember lying on a dim pavement street, staring at the milky way. I remember crickets and chirping birds.

I remember the sound of raindrops and the cuddle mornings. I remember home feels like the smell of my father’s hot chocolate.

A Circle Of Adults

It’s two in the morning. We just finished a bottle of white wine and a dozen of stories. I included myself in the circle of adults sharing experiences. There were six of us that broke the late night silence of the living room. Loud laughters and happy memories were remembered.

Everyone exuberantly narrated their own stories as their eyes litted up in nostalgia. It was like a never ending narration of experiences. They shared insights and wisdom. Some shared lessons. While, others opened their ears in listening.

I deliberately listened to them. Their voices were full of emotions trying to convey the exact feeling they had with the event back then. Their faces looked tired as the night gets late, yet everybody seemed hyped.

One started to stand. “We’re going to a party,” he implicitly asked our consent. “We better get going,” someone added. We cleared the table, fixed the sofas, then went our own way.

It’s two in the morning. I am going to go to bed.

Missing Silence

25675425_1813754991981430_1979834915_nI can’t sleep. More than my anxieties, the noise outside the balcony keeps me awake in the middle of the night. I hear different stories as I unintentionally listen to some acquainted voices. I close my eyes as the smell of the cigar intoxicates me. I tightly hug my pillow, hoping to find comfort in chaos. Then, their voices fade in the darkness of the night sky.

Kuala Lumpur: Chinatown

The rain started to pour on my way to Chinatown. The thunder was loud. The streets were wet. People were hastily getting off the street as they hid themselves to the small canopies of the stores, enough to keep them dry.

I did not mind the rain. Instead, I happily walked around with splatters on my shoes. I searched for nothing in particular. I entered to different shops while my eyes wandered. I found stores selling dried leaves for tea, dried fish, and dried meat. I saw vendors selling Asian fruits like Durian and Jackfruit. Souvenirs were displayed and items were offered cheap. It would have been nice to have bought something, but my eyes were full, my feet ached sore. The rain subsided. I left the place telling myself, “it is time to write.”

Leaving 

I did not sleep well. I remember before I went to bed I was stacking my books, my journals, and mostly part of my 23 years of existence in a box. I dusted off the sad nostalgia of leaving. “I have to do this,” I told myself. I neatly closed the box like it was a casket of my memoir with a lingering melancholy. I remember earlier that day, I was also fixing my clothes, packing too much yet not enough of my life in a suitcase. Again I told myself, “I have to do this.”

7.1288° N, 125.6461° E

I did not sleep well. I remember I was praying before I went to bed. I asked God for deliverance, for providence, for courage, for calmness, for protection, for strength, and for joy. I am scared. I am sad.
I did not sleep well because again, I am leaving. I know I have done this so many times in my life. I have been traveling my entire life to unknown places, I should be used to it. Yet, I am not. It would always be hard to leave. . .

Silence


The silence is deafening but at least it does not hurt you with words. The silence makes you wonder a lot of things and entertain your deepest thoughts but at least it does not judge you with your dreams. The silence makes you sad but at least it accompanies you in solitude. The silence is like a safeguard from the perils of heartaches, like the stillness in the unknown, like the comfort in chaos, and like a solace in distress.

When the Sin is Great

Text: Lamentations 3:18-26

17 my soul is bereft of peace;
    I have forgotten what happiness[a] is;
18 so I say, “My endurance has perished;
    so has my hope from the Lord.”

19 Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
    the wormwood and the gall!
20 My soul continually remembers it
    and is bowed down within me.
21 But this I call to mind,
   and therefore I have hope:

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[b]
   his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.
26 It is good that one should wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.

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Reflection

“Lamentations reminds us of the importance not only of mourning over our sin but of asking the Lord for His forgiveness when we fail Him” -Chuck Swindoll

Human Heart

When the human heart wavers, the flesh weakens. It consumes your mind and your actions. It dictates your desires and your dreams. It controls your decisions and judgments. It tests your faith and tempts you to give in or give up.

It tempts you to give in and to compromise on things you do not truly want because they are pleasing in your eyes. It encourages you to give up and to quit on things you truly want because they are not anymore satisfying.

And, following your heart makes you believe that what you are doing is right and what you are about to do will make you happy because they said,

“Follow your human heart, you won’t lose anything anyway.”
“Follow your human heart, do what makes you happy.”
“As long as you won’t hurt anybody, follow your human heart.”
“You know, the heart wants what the heart wants, do what you want.”
“Don’t think too much, follow your human heart”

Yet, it only gives you an immediate satisfying emotion. It gives you comfort for a moment without actually realizing the later consequences. Your impulsive submission to your heart’s current stage will lead you in danger and regrets.

When your heart controls your actions, your desires, and your pursuit to happiness these will result to a corrupted motive. You start manipulating circumstances to get what you want. You begin to control other people’s impression. And you will use all the resources you can get to achieve your heart’s wants.

However, you will get exhausted, drained, weary, shattered, anxious, desperate and pitiful in submitting to its desires. You can never get full satisfaction. Because when your human heart wavers, it does not know what it truly wants. It just gives in and gives up.

And so, the heart needs guidance; guidance that not any humans can provide but only an omniscient One can supply. The omniscient and omnipotent Holy Spirit of God can sustain and direct your path from the reality of your cruel evil human heart.

“The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?”
Jeremiah 17:9