“This world is not my home, I’m only passing through” – Charles Wright
Have you ever wondered when will be your last day on earth? Have you asked yourself what will happen when you passed away? . . .
My heart is shattered as I heard that my closest aunt passed away. I am posting this as an outlet of my grieving heart.
My aunt always made herself available. She was always a message away. She was always thrilled whenever I showed to her my paintings. She was the first ever person who sent me a hand written letter from the other side of the world! She was the sweetest!!
I hope I could be there to attend her funeral. I hope I could say something more but my words are limited and not enough to express what I feel for her. I hope I could send her my last goodbye. . .
But, all I could do is rejoice in the Lord for she is now with our Savior, Jesus.
17 Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: 18 Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation. 19 The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments.
Have you had that feeling when you just wanted to move around a bit? To wake up in cities you don’t know your way around? Have you had that longing in your heart to be lost, to be someplace else, to be far far away from all the chaos?
I found myself waking up on a friday morning in Ras Al Khaimah. It’s bizzare to be in this place, firstly because there is nothing too great to see here. Secondly, it’s located in the far north of the emirate which is quite far from Dubai and so what am I even doing in this state?
The cold sea breeze hugged me as Im walking to the balcony of the villa. The calmness, the serenity, the silence, “Ah! Peace!” I exclaimed. I am searching for peace.
When your world has been too much, when everywhere you go you hear people, chattering, whispering, making you feel troubled of their own stories, you start longing for a place to rest. You start looking for a quiet haven where silence is comfort.
There is always a season in me that I wanted to disconnect and to disengage, not because I am sick of all the people, I just wanted to hear my heart and mostly, I wanted to hear God completely.
This place isn’t like a paradise, it’s not like an oasis you imagined to see in a desert. This place is probably the usual beach resort you would see in postcards or magazines or internet.
But, one thing I would cherish here is the soft voice from the Father telling me, “You are home in My arms.”
You have to understand that to love is a commitment, not just a feeling of attraction, not a feeling of romantic excitement, not a feeling of whims, not for convenience nor for satisfaction and pleasure. To love is a decision to commit, to become consistent in showing of affection, to become steadfast in your devotion whether it will cost unbearable sacrifice. I hope you learn to love like this. ❤️
A two hour bus ride going from Dubai to Abu Dhabi is quite long just to visit one place in a day.
“It’s not worth it,” I convinced myself not to waste my time in a not-so-interesting place. I didn’t like going to popular spots. It’s because when I read good reviews of the place I tend to have high expectations but when I arrived in the place, I get disappointed.
“But, it’s holiday and I got an extra day to waste just in case I would not enjoy.”
My friend and I headed directly to the Grand Mosque. And I would say, the place was interesting. . .
The Grand Mosque is the world’s largest marble mosaic. The architectural details, the material used to construct the Mosque and the inlaid floral design were gorgeous.
But what really captured my interest was when we entered the mosque barefooted, the floor was flawless. It was immaculate! With hundreds of people visiting the place, I wonder how they would able to maintain such spotless floor.
I am in awe of how they continue to preserve and keep the Mosque worthy of its beauty.
It’s 3 in the morning. I pleaded 5 more minutes to stay on my bed but my alarm was telling me to get up, “it is time to leave!”
It has been like this since I was sixteen, since I started university. I guess I am not really supposed to stay. . . I don’t know, to be honest.
All I know is that every time I leave, I feel this lingering feeling, something more than sadness. It’s probably because of wistful goodbyes and the thought that I might not have any space when I return. It’s probably the thought of alienation, of not recoginising home anymore.
But, this is my life now. I chose this path in hope that in my journey, home will find its way in my heart wherever life will take me.
Old friend, I hope I told you that you hurt me when you never said a word after you disappeared. I had a lot of what ifs and I didn’t know how to answer all the questions bugging in my head. You made me feel like I could be disposed easily and I meant nothing to you at all.
But, time took care of everything, and I realized that you were never meant to stay and I was never meant to linger anymore.
Old friend, I hope I told you I liked you (loved you?). I liked you because you showed to me that sunflowers are beautiful and fire trees radiate. . .
I liked you because you love my God.
But, I guess God separately planned greater things for us. Everything was supposed to happen and everything worked perfectly fine.
Old friend, I hope I told you that I waited for explanations when you first messaged me after years! I waited for you to give me answers and probably an apology.
But, I did not receive any. You came back casual. I wanted to cry because I was frustrated yet I held my tears and realized you were not worthy even a drop of my tear.
Old friend, I hope I approached you when I saw you having dinner last night. But i knew I would never speak to you again.
Old friend, thank you for letting me learn that love is not for a shallow heart. You are also a lesson.
This would be the last time that I would write something for you. 🙂 I am moving on, finally.
2018 was all about answered prayers. Who would have thought I would be able to enjoy the job that I did not even ask. Who would have thought that broken relationships with old friends would be mended. Who would have thought that I would spend holidays with my mother after a decade of being apart. Who would have thought that I would be right here in my hometown, spending new year’s eve marvelling of what God has done in my life!
I am thankful for 2018 not because it was an easy year, to be honest I guess it was the toughest so far, but I learned a lot.
I learned that there is victory in waiting on God’s perfect timing. My job is one of the many victories I am enjoying because I waited for God’s best. I waited for His provision and deliverance.
I also learned to face rejections and not to give up on people even it is too painful. 2018 taught me that broken relationships are the worst but I could fight for what I wanted to keep.
I learned that it is okay to welcome new people in my life as well. I would say that I am always scared of new beginnings ( quite ironic coming from me) but tbh, meeting new people is one of my challenges in life. I am afraid that I would not get the same energy and devotion I am giving to my newly-found-friends. But, 2018 taught me that in building friendships I must try even though I might get rejected and ignored. I think, I have seen more grace in 2018. 🙂
Lastly, the most important lesson that I am still learning is to love without expecting something in return. I realized in 2018 that when you love you must humble yourself and “deny yourself and carry the cross.” Loving selflessly is really hard for me, it is probably impossible to be honest. However, I am praying to show love not just for kind people, not just in convenience and in easy roads. I pray to show love for difficult people that I may share grace.
I fantasized romance. I read, watched and heard too many love stories. I imagined my love story would be something more passionate, something worthy of all the time I waited for you.
But, I realized that I want to become more worthy of you. I want to cultivate myself in becoming virtuous in your sight and in the sight of the Lord.
I want to learn compassion. I want to have eyes like Jesus- to see the needs of others and be selfless enough to extend help. I want to learn generosity, a kind of heart that gives and loves without expecting in return. I want to learn calmness in the midst of trials knowing that God is in control. I want to learn humility that I have nothing to boast except the cross. I want to be always delighted in Christ.
And when you finally arrive, when we finally found each other, I can still be independently strong, being still in the Lord and not in you. I hope when we have each other I can still plant my own daisies and flourish them with grace.
I hope I will become more beautiful in the eyes of God as I experience the man I waited for in my life. I hope I am willing to take risks and never be afraid to give everything to you. I hope I will never get tired to listen to your stories and be always present in your small or big victories in life. I hope I will also become the shoulder that you can lean on.
I am scared. I am scared firstly, of getting used to talking with you, of having a conversation in the middle of the night and of speaking my mind freely to you. I am scared that I might get conversationally attached if that thing even exists.
I am scared that you won’t listen to me anymore and you won’t respond to my questions.
I am scared that I am only a past time, a convenient friend at your convenient time. Or probably, I am not a friend at all.
I am scared because I am starting to develop a sense of care, of passion and emotions to you. I am scared because you have become one of my constants and I don’t want to lose you anymore.
I am scared that you might be just like my other friends, who would leave in uncertainty.
My heart is breaking
. . . When I reflect on what I have become
. . . When I celebrate pride instead of humility
. . . When I curb in my comforts instead of extending my limits
. . . When I enjoy solitude rather than building relationships
. . . When I compare rather than encourage one another
. . . When my dreams become practical rather than extraordinary
. . . When I nurture brokenness rather than rejoice in the light
. . . When hate becomes apathy rather than forgiveness
. . . When trials look like punishments instead of lessons
. . . When faith becomes an emotion rather than truth
. . . When victories become pride rather than testimonies
. . . When a blessing feels like my good works rather than grace
. . . When sin becomes usual and obedience becomes hard
. . . When kindness becomes subjective rather objective
. . . When love becomes expensive instead of free
. . . When cross becomes symbols instead of redemption
. . . When redemption becomes a history rather than the gospel
. . . When Christ becomes an option instead a whole part of my existence.
My heart is cruel even evil and apart from Jesus I am nothing but a filthy rag.
Isaiah 64:6 KJV
 But we are all as an unclean thing , and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.