I can’t sleep. My heart feels like it has been torn apart, bleeding and wounded. I think part of this is the thought of losing a friend, a family and mostly the idea of letting go of someone who feels like home.

I wish there is a lesser painful way of getting a heart broken but we can never know the depth of the pain until we face it. For me, it keeps me in the middle of the night writing my heart out, so I can breathe; trying to think through the process of healing and how I can still find God in all of this.

What do I need to do to ease what I feel?

The idea of leaving terrifies me but at the same time convinces me that this will protect my heart; protect myself from getting involved in a lot of things and protect my testimony. However, I also know there is no other way to completely protect our hearts. It still takes bravery to leave but also cowardice in a sense that it feels like I will be running away.

So, what if I stay? what if this whole story leads me to all of the answers I have never thought will come? What if the answers are the lessons I have been avoiding to learn? What if the sequence of the events points me to my purpose?

Shouldn’t I be grateful for the pain? Shouldn’t I be grateful for the testing of faith? Shouldn’t I be grateful for all the broken roads?

For now, I will hold my heart with tenderness, then maybe I will be ready to welcome change and my heart will be whole again.

I will give them a heart to know that I am the Lord, and they shall be my people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭24‬:‭7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

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