I want to write something that could paint an exact picture of you in my head. Something endearing like how the rays dappled through forest trees and the leaves glisten. There is a silent magic that overwhelms my heart yet still calms me when I see your eyes shine. Like how your tears look like raindrops both can speak hope and sadness. Like how you walk as wind, gently moves the branches of sturdy trees. And how your strength to carry light in darkness tells courage. I wish I could tell more but my words are frail. You will ever get to see yourself when you start looking. . .
I can’t tell you how long it takes to get to the other side. When you see yourself in a crossroad and you can’t wrap around your head which path you will go, I hope you realise your journey has already started. The in-between is usually where you need to be to get to your destination. But, I hope when you are still on your way and haven’t arrived yet you will still be faithful knowing to get to the other side you have to continue walking.
When the load is heavy and uncertainties begin to creep into your thoughts, your heart sinks in the ocean. Sometimes, you cry for help. Oftentimes, in silence you wait until the world slowly fade in its glory while you wish tomorrow promises a new start. Yet, in reality you always pick up from where you left off. There is one thing though, when mornings don’t bring fresh beginnings you can still hope to find better endings. You will find your soul resting through the waves of the ocean until you meet the shore and things will work out just the way you prayed for.
I made a resolution to write letters of encouragement that breathe life to a soul that longs for it and to a heart that waits for warmth when life has tainted it with pain and disappointments. My prayer as I journey in this I will also find the same hope. When the night is long and my thoughts have drifted away, may these words embrace me and keep me from falling apart. May these words seep into my wounds that seek for healing and travel through my broken pieces that need mending. May these letters, unlike the rest I have hidden under my bedside table, can help change some desperate cries to hopeful bliss.
I wish I had all the answers. You know, the ones I am searching for when it is 2am and sleep is nowhere near, and I am staring up at the ceiling, hoping that my heart will find peace someday. You know, the ones I need when I am crawled up in a corner of my room with my back against the wall and my arms wrapped around me to keep me from falling apart. The ones I search for in every conversation, in every gaze, in every smile and every face since you. The answers that I know can only be found when I explore my own soul, after I peel off the walls I have built around my heart to protect it from no one other than myself. Because I have given it away too easily in the past, or too quickly, or to those who did not deserve it. The answers that I know I will find once I stop looking for them in others. Those answers.
I wish I had all the answers when I need them the most, because they always seem to come when I have changed and grown. They always seem to come when I do not know what to do with them. I wish I had all the answers. But they always seem to come when I am not asking those questions. They always seem to come when I do not need them anymore.
– note by Ruby Dhal that really resonated with what I feel and how her language of writing is similar with mine.
The previous year was overwhelming, but I learned more than I could ever imagine. Each day I felt I was wrestling in between the beginnings and endings of different chapters of my life; the chapter where I found home in a foreign place, the chapter where I was terrified of starting my life all over again, the chapter where grief treaded in my soul for losing a friend, and the chapter where hope encouraged me to continue.
I didn’t know I would get this far – to watch the sky changed in different iridescent hues as I travelled through continents. I didn’t know I would meet people with tender hearts who showered me with wisdom and love and taught me of happiness and healing. I didn’t know pain would cost more if love were more. Never would have I imagined that some darkest days would lead to my brightest tomorrow. Though, I might have dipped into mournful mornings to get through those days, I also laughed and lived to thrive. I visited new places, walked on unfamiliar land and rediscovered myself. I listened to music that soothe the wounds in my chest. I read books that embraced me and comforted me when I felt lonely. I talked to God, who listened to me wherever and whenever I needed Him.
The previous year was overwhelming where I loved and gained more than I could imagine. Each moment felt nostalgic as memories faded into a new year. . .
I can’t sleep. My heart feels like it has been torn apart, bleeding and wounded. I think part of this is the thought of losing a friend, a family and mostly the idea of letting go of someone who feels like home.
I wish there is a lesser painful way of getting a heart broken but we can never know the depth of the pain until we face it. For me, it keeps me in the middle of the night writing my heart out, so I can breathe; trying to think through the process of healing and how I can still find God in all of this.
What do I need to do to ease what I feel?
The idea of leaving terrifies me but at the same time convinces me that this will protect my heart; protect myself from getting involved in a lot of things and protect my testimony. However, I also know there is no other way to completely protect our hearts. It still takes bravery to leave but also cowardice in a sense that it feels like I will be running away.
So, what if I stay? what if this whole story leads me to all of the answers I have never thought will come? What if the answers are the lessons I have been avoiding to learn? What if the sequence of the events points me to my purpose?
Shouldn’t I be grateful for the pain? Shouldn’t I be grateful for the testing of faith? Shouldn’t I be grateful for all the broken roads?
For now, I will hold my heart with tenderness, then maybe I will be ready to welcome change and my heart will be whole again.
“I will give them a heart to know that I am the Lord, and they shall be my people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart.”
Jeremiah 24:7 ESV
I’m slowly learning that if it’s meant for me, it will happen. I don’t have to wait around. I don’t even have to hurry to get to the other side and figure things out. I don’t have to worry about tomorrow if things won’t turn out the way I wanted. Let all things fall to where they should be and let all the spaces in my heart be filled with promises; God will take care of me.