Have you ever felt lost? Wondering what life should have been and what life will be?
A decade ago, it was my first year in high school. I felt young, indispensable, a little reckless but hopeful. I did not worry anything at all! School was fun, home was comfort and friends were true.
Now, I live on my own in a foreign country; trying to balance career, social life and keeping myself healthy. My struggles are mostly self inflicted. I wallow in sadness, being alone and feeling lonely. I self pity, feeling not good enough for this world and not being enough for the people I love.
I feel terrible.
I am wondering what would be my life if I chose a different path. Would I have a different fate?
They say we are the outcome of our decisions and we are accountable for our own actions. But, does that mean what and who we are right now are solely because of our actions?
I do not believe that whoever we are today is only because of our own doing.
This is where pride comes in. Sometimes we think that everything is all about us. When we think that our success is only because of our hardwork and our failures are because of our mistakes.
Yet, as I am learning daily, everything that happened to all of us, in this cosmos is not a product of oneself. It is the accumulation of everyone and everything around us.
I know If I walked a different road I would never be the person I am now. Nevertheless I know that whatever happened from the past and whatever will happen are all connected today. “The present is the ever moving shadow that divides yesterday and tomorrow.”
And I hope that as I live from day to day, I will not grow weary nor faint knowing that all the answers lie in front of me are sufficient for now.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. – Matthew 6:34”
It’s 3 in the morning. I pleaded 5 more minutes to stay on my bed but my alarm was telling me to get up, “it is time to leave!”
It has been like this since I was sixteen, since I started university. I guess I am not really supposed to stay. . . I don’t know, to be honest.
All I know is that every time I leave, I feel this lingering feeling, something more than sadness. It’s probably because of wistful goodbyes and the thought that I might not have any space when I return. It’s probably the thought of alienation, of not recoginising home anymore.
But, this is my life now. I chose this path in hope that in my journey, home will find its way in my heart wherever life will take me.
I am missing home.
I remember white morning glories on the alley of a convenient store. Flowers bloom as the sunshine strikes at 7 am.
I remember walking home on a warm summer afternoon. Looking at a purple sky and a peaceful sunset.
I remember lying on a dim pavement street, staring at the milky way. I remember crickets and chirping birds.
I remember the sound of raindrops and the cuddle mornings. I remember home feels like the smell of my father’s hot chocolate.
I can’t sleep. More than my anxieties, the noise outside the balcony keeps me awake in the middle of the night. I hear different stories as I unintentionally listen to some acquainted voices. I close my eyes as the smell of the cigar intoxicates me. I tightly hug my pillow, hoping to find comfort in chaos. Then, their voices fade in the darkness of the night sky.
I did not sleep well. I remember before I went to bed I was stacking my books, my journals, and mostly part of my 23 years of existence in a box. I dusted off the sad nostalgia of leaving. “I have to do this,” I told myself. I neatly closed the box like it was a casket of my memoir with a lingering melancholy. I remember earlier that day, I was also fixing my clothes, packing too much yet not enough of my life in a suitcase. Again I told myself, “I have to do this.”
7.1288° N, 125.6461° E
I did not sleep well. I remember I was praying before I went to bed. I asked God for deliverance, for providence, for courage, for calmness, for protection, for strength, and for joy. I am scared. I am sad.
I did not sleep well because again, I am leaving. I know I have done this so many times in my life. I have been traveling my entire life to unknown places, I should be used to it. Yet, I am not. It would always be hard to leave. . .
The silence is deafening but at least it does not hurt you with words. The silence makes you wonder a lot of things and entertain your deepest thoughts but at least it does not judge you with your dreams. The silence makes you sad but at least it accompanies you in solitude. The silence is like a safeguard from the perils of heartaches, like the stillness in the unknown, like the comfort in chaos, and like a solace in distress.
27 July 2017
Through the years, I have experienced sadness in different faces. But, none of the faces seem familiar every time. I wept in my sorrow knowing sadness could be overcome through tears. I screamed loudly until I ran out of breath, believing it’s an outlet of my deep melancholic feeling. I write, most of the time, expressing my heartache that caused me to become sad. I noticed, each sad note I wrote was never similar, some of which were too deep, too deep to pierce my heart. Yet, all of the short excerpts from my sad expressions have never of the same value.
Even if I wrote with my heart poured out in each of my entry to my journal, still, every time I reread it, each has a different touch, a different cut of heartache. And it gives a different weight of emotion. It makes me feel like I am yearning for something, for someone that I do not know about. Every time sadness visits me, I would feel a mixture of nostalgia of places, of people, and of memories.
Then, I would remember precious moments; wonderful things shared with wonderful people and with that, sadness made sense. It made me realized the value of laughter, of meaningful conversations, of good company and of seasons.
I realized that for everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven.
For the past 4 months in Manila, i’ve been through a lot of things. There were times I just wanted to shut off just because I was so tired in this place. Oftentimes, I complain to the Lord why did He bring me here. I wrestled each day. I was ungrateful. My heart was full of my self. I sinned against the Lord. But still, He taught me to be patient, to love the unloved, to care for the needy, to labor even I faint most of the time. The Lord gave me the privilege of serving Him even I am not able. He looked at my availability and not my capability. My God is just so great to take care of my life.
And so, dear children you’ ll be in God’s hands. I know. Im gonna leave for a while. Grow in the Lord. God be with you.