Soon the hustle and bustle of the day will sweep morning into night and that’s a very good thing because it means I’ll see you again one day sooner, JL.
They say life is full of unpredictable beauty and strange surprises. Sometimes that beauty is too much to handle and sometimes moves you to the point of tears that even changes you. You are greatly blessed for you have seen and experienced things that only a brave soul could handle.
I pray that you will always find light through your highs and lows. I pray that you will always find hope in every season of your life. I pray that as you start your day you will always see the beauty that brings you to tears not of pain but of joy.
In the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping, her mind wonders of the things she could not comprehend.
Why her life lacks connection and the people she considers close to her heart are too indifferent?
Why she yearns for love yet receive shallow affection?
Why all of a sudden her heart is breaking for things she thought did not matter to her?
All the little things, all the tiny details she tries to recall in the middle of the night as she cry herself to sleep.
Tomorrow, you will feel better.
Tomorrow, it will get better.
Have you ever felt lost? Wondering what life should have been and what life will be?
A decade ago, it was my first year in high school. I felt young, indispensable, a little reckless but hopeful. I did not worry anything at all! School was fun, home was comfort and friends were true.
Now, I live on my own in a foreign country; trying to balance career, social life and keeping myself healthy. My struggles are mostly self inflicted. I wallow in sadness, being alone and feeling lonely. I self pity, feeling not good enough for this world and not being enough for the people I love.
I feel terrible.
I am wondering what would be my life if I chose a different path. Would I have a different fate?
They say we are the outcome of our decisions and we are accountable for our own actions. But, does that mean what and who we are right now are solely because of our actions?
I do not believe that whoever we are today is only because of our own doing.
This is where pride comes in. Sometimes we think that everything is all about us. When we think that our success is only because of our hardwork and our failures are because of our mistakes.
Yet, as I am learning daily, everything that happened to all of us, in this cosmos is not a product of oneself. It is the accumulation of everyone and everything around us.
I know If I walked a different road I would never be the person I am now. Nevertheless I know that whatever happened from the past and whatever will happen are all connected today. “The present is the ever moving shadow that divides yesterday and tomorrow.”
And I hope that as I live from day to day, I will not grow weary nor faint knowing that all the answers lie in front of me are sufficient for now.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. – Matthew 6:34”
That’s the thing about romance, you never thought you wanted until it is in front of you, until you have experienced a little of it. And you crave for a little more.
“Maybe this time, my heart is stronger”
“Maybe this time, it wouldn’t hurt”
You leave me wondering and hoping to things that you are unsure. You’ve started a fire in me until I burnt myself from my own expectations. You drop hints but have never given clarity. You seem to have motives but never have given a clear intention.
“Quit playing this game”
“Stop giving me attention”
Just stop. I know I have told you this several times, that we’re friends. There’s no in between. There’s no gray area. There’s no romance.
Stop. I was lying to myself when I told you that. Or probably I was feeling that way before, just friends. But, now is different. You have crossed my boundaries. You have crossed the line I set for you. Your words break my walls and your consistent messages yet inconsistent words keep bothering me, “is there something more?”
And I don’t want to be friends. Either we become lovers or nothing at all because my heart is tired of running in circles. I am tired of investing feelings to guys hoping there could be more. I am tired of letting boys like you trying to make me feel like I am one of your options.
They said love is equivocal but that is not what my faith has taught me. Love gives a clear assurance of commitment and if I could not find that to anyone, to you, then I must end this.
“Let him take the lead”
“just wait until he tells you.”
It’s over two years now that we constantly exchange messages. In courting, the guy initiates and the girl gives the real score. This isnt courting. This is about “flirting” disguised in “friendship”.
My struggle to find ending to stories that never actually started is painful. And this is painful.
I am done. I surrender.
I don’t need you to make up your mind because even you haven’t figured out my place in your heart yet, I know where I belong. I know what I deserve.
I deserve a love that is sure, that gives me clarity despite of all the uncertainties. I deserve a love that is decisive that would not need second guessing if I am actually the “girl”. I deserve a love that is brave regardless of all the fears.
I am scared. I am scared firstly, of getting used to talking with you, of having a conversation in the middle of the night and of speaking my mind freely to you. I am scared that I might get conversationally attached if that thing even exists.
I am scared that you won’t listen to me anymore and you won’t respond to my questions.
I am scared that I am only a past time, a convenient friend at your convenient time. Or probably, I am not a friend at all.
I am scared because I am starting to develop a sense of care, of passion and emotions to you. I am scared because you have become one of my constants and I don’t want to lose you anymore.
I am scared that you might be just like my other friends, who would leave in uncertainty.
Please tell me I can trust you. . .
It’s two in the morning. We just finished a bottle of white wine and a dozen of stories. I included myself in the circle of adults sharing experiences. There were six of us that broke the late night silence of the living room. Loud laughters and happy memories were remembered.
Everyone exuberantly narrated their own stories as their eyes litted up in nostalgia. It was like a never ending narration of experiences. They shared insights and wisdom. Some shared lessons. While, others opened their ears in listening.
I deliberately listened to them. Their voices were full of emotions trying to convey the exact feeling they had with the event back then. Their faces looked tired as the night gets late, yet everybody seemed hyped.
One started to stand. “We’re going to a party,” he implicitly asked our consent. “We better get going,” someone added. We cleared the table, fixed the sofas, then went our own way.
It’s two in the morning. I am going to go to bed.