Missing Home

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I am missing home.

I remember white morning glories on the alley of a convenient store. Flowers bloom as the sunshine strike at 7 am.

I remember walking home on a warm summer afternoon. Looking at a purple sky and a peaceful sunset.

I remember lying on a dim pavement street, staring at the milky way. I remember crickets and chirping birds.

I remember the sound of raindrops and the cuddle mornings. I remember home feels like the smell of my father’s hot chocolate.

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A Circle Of Adults

It’s two in the morning. We just finished a bottle of white wine and a dozen of stories. I included myself in the circle of adults sharing experiences. There were six of us that broke the late night silence of the living room. Loud laughters and happy memories were remembered.

Everyone exuberantly narrated their own stories as their eyes litted up in nostalgia. It was like a never ending narration of experiences. They shared insights and wisdom. Some shared lessons. While, others opened their ears in listening.

I deliberately listened to them. Their voices were full of emotions trying to convey the exact feeling they had with the event back then. Their faces looked tired as the night gets late, yet everybody seemed hyped.

One started to stand. “We’re going to a party,” he implicitly asked our consent. “We better get going,” someone added. We cleared the table, fixed the sofas, then went our own way.

It’s two in the morning. I am going to go to bed.

Missing Silence

25675425_1813754991981430_1979834915_nI can’t sleep. More than my anxieties, the noise outside the balcony keeps me awake in the middle of the night. I hear different stories as I unintentionally listen to some acquainted voices. I close my eyes as the smell of the cigar intoxicates me. I tightly hug my pillow, hoping to find comfort in chaos. Then, their voices fade in the darkness of the night sky.

Human Heart

When the human heart wavers, the flesh weakens. It consumes your mind and your actions. It dictates your desires and your dreams. It controls your decisions and judgments. It tests your faith and tempts you to give in or give up.

It tempts you to give in and to compromise on things you do not truly want because they are pleasing in your eyes. It encourages you to give up and to quit on things you truly want because they are not anymore satisfying.

And, following your heart makes you believe that what you are doing is right and what you are about to do will make you happy because they said,

“Follow your human heart, you won’t lose anything anyway.”
“Follow your human heart, do what makes you happy.”
“As long as you won’t hurt anybody, follow your human heart.”
“You know, the heart wants what the heart wants, do what you want.”
“Don’t think too much, follow your human heart”

Yet, it only gives you an immediate satisfying emotion. It gives you comfort for a moment without actually realizing the later consequences. Your impulsive submission to your heart’s current stage will lead you in danger and regrets.

When your heart controls your actions, your desires, and your pursuit to happiness these will result to a corrupted motive. You start manipulating circumstances to get what you want. You begin to control other people’s impression. And you will use all the resources you can get to achieve your heart’s wants.

However, you will get exhausted, drained, weary, shattered, anxious, desperate and pitiful in submitting to its desires. You can never get full satisfaction. Because when your human heart wavers, it does not know what it truly wants. It just gives in and gives up.

And so, the heart needs guidance; guidance that not any humans can provide but only an omniscient One can supply. The omniscient and omnipotent Holy Spirit of God can sustain and direct your path from the reality of your cruel evil human heart.

“The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?”
Jeremiah 17:9

After Dawn

Alone in the room. Solitude has consumed me and all I could ever do was to peep through my windowpane at 5 in the morning. I wished someone was around, someone who could give me a hot beverage or tell me good morning. But, as I devout myself into silence, tranquility painted my life. I must at least be thankful for waking up.

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I Don’t Want To Miss You Anymore

I Don't want to miss you anymore

They say feelings will eventually change. But why do I still feel this tremendous yearning in my heart for years? Why do I feel like missing you intensely each day? Why do I betray myself from telling to forget you yet still reminiscing you?

I have written so many resolutions not to remember you. It is suffocating running in circles, writing resolutions with the same thought of forgetting. It is exhausting trying to remember to forget you. I keep on reminding myself that time will take care of everything, that time will help me forget.

But, my heart always remembers all the sad memories- I could not have you and never can. I have to let go the feeling of attachment. I must not miss you anymore.

A Heart Like Jesus

The idea of having you in my life is always thrilling. I wonder if you are smart, tall and talented. I wonder if you are a doctor, a writer, a singer, or just a good lover (hehe). I hope you are a lot kinder than everyone else. I hope you are responsible and composed. I hope you are a gentleman, a servant leader, a good provider. I hope you already found your purpose and your passion. But, more than anything else, I just hope and pray that you have a heart like Jesus.

It does not matter how talented and grounded you are in the eyes of men. It does not matter if you are praised and loved in this world because the heart for God only matters. I hope you have the heart for the weak and the poor. I hope you have the heart to serve rather than to be served. I hope you work because you have a vision and mission for God’s glory.

I am excited to see you passionately driven, laboring for God’s kingdom. I am thrilled of what you will become in the eyes of God. I will keep praying that you will run the race with faith in the Lord. However, if God would not allow us to meet, I will keep on praying for you still until God’s plan for your life will succeed.

Our paths may or may not cross, we may know each other from a distance or we may not. Nevertheless, I believe God knows you ultimately. He will take control of us. He will keep you safe.